Getting Help |
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What
is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is the physical, emotional, sexual or
mental abuse of one person by another, with whom they have
an intimate or family relationship. In most situations the
abuser uses a range of abusive behaviours to gain and ensure
power and control over the other person and these abusive
actions often increase or escalate in severity over time.
In the majority of cases women are the victims of domestic
violence and male partners or ex partners the perpetrators.
However, domestic violence can also occur between family
members, between same sex couples and be perpetrated by
women against men.
This list may help you recognise if you, or someone you
know, are in an abusive relationship. Most women will experience
a range of these abusive behaviours.
Destructive criticism and
verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name
calling/verbally threatening.
Pressure tactics:
sulking; threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone,
take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away,
report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his
demands regarding bringing up the children; lying to your
friends and family about you; telling you that you have
no choice in any decisions.
Disrespect: persistently
putting you down in front of other people; not listening
or responding when you talk; interrupting your telephone
calls; taking money from your purse without asking; refusing
to help with childcare or housework.
Breaking trust:
lying to you; withholding information from you; being jealous;
having other relationships; breaking promises and shared
agreements.
Isolation:
monitoring or blocking your telephone calls; telling you
where you can and cannot go; preventing you from seeing
friends and relatives.
Harassment:
following you; checking up on you; opening your mail; repeatedly
dialling 1471 to see who has telephoned you; embarrassing
you in public.
Threats: making
angry gestures; using physical size to intimidate; shouting
you down; destroying your possessions; breaking things;
punching walls; wielding a knife or a gun.
Sexual violence:
using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform
sexual acts; having sex with you when you don’t want
to have sex; any degrading treatment based on your sexual
orientation.
Physical violence: punching; slapping; hitting; biting; pinching; kicking;
pulling hair out; pushing; shoving; burning; strangling;
raping.
Denial: saying
the abuse doesn’t happen; saying you caused the abusive
behaviour; being publicly gentle and patient; crying and
begging for forgiveness; saying it will never happen again.
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What
is a refuge and how do I find one?
A refuge is a safe house where women who
are experiencing domestic violence can live safely while they
decide what to do next. There is no time limit for how long
you can stay in a refuge. If you have children, you can take
them with you and you can choose to stay in a refuge as close
to or far away from your home as you wish. You may consider
moving to a refuge near friends or family.
There are some refuges that have self-contained family units
but most refuges will usually give you your own room for yourself
to share with your children at the refuge and other spaces
- the living room, TV room, kitchen, playroom and possibly
the bathroom - will be shared with other refuge residents.
You will be expected to cook for yourself and your children.
Many refuges have disabled access and workers who can assist
women and children who have special needs.
You can stay at the refuge for as long as you need, this can
be anything from a few days to several months. The refuge
will help you if you need to find somewhere permanent to stay.
While you are staying in the refuge, you will be offered ongoing
support and help from refuge workers, while most refuges also
offer support and activities for children. Ongoing help and
support is also available when you leave the refuge.
To find your nearest refuge or support service, please
click here
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What
if I don’t want to go to a refuge?
There are a network of domestic violence
refuges and support services in Ireland. If you do not want
to go into a refuge, most organisations offer support, outreach
and helpline services to women to allow them to talk over
their situation and make the best decisions for them and their
children. Some organisations also offer support groups and
programmes for children. Contacting your nearest domestic
violence service for information and support is a vital first
step. They can also help you with safety planning (see
below) and explain your legal options. |
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How
do I find a refuge or support service?
There are over forty domestic violence refuges
and support services in Ireland for women and their children.
To find your nearest refuge or support service click
here. Alternatively contact your local Garda station or phone the
Women’s Aid Helpline on 1800 341900.
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If you are in an abusive relationship, having
a Safety Plan worked out in advance can help you get out of
the home safely and quickly if necessary. It is helpful to
work through the steps, even if things are going smoothly.
Bring your Safety Plan with you if you need to leave in a
hurry.
Step One:
Think about:
- Where you can go to make a telephone call;
- A safe place where you can stay in an emergency. This
may be with a friend or relative, a woman’s refuge,
a hotel or a B&B.
- The telephone number of the safe place;
- How to get to the safe place. Decide how you will get
there at different times of the day and night;
- The number of a local taxi firm;
- What to tell the children, and how to tell it to them,
when you need to put the Safety Plan into action.
- The Woman’s Aid FREE National Helpline is 1800
341900.
Step Two:
Write down:
- Important phone numbers
- Your PRSI/PPS or Claim Number
- Your family’s essential medicines
- Your Child Benefit Book Number
Useful Phone Numbers:
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Health Centre (CWO): |
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| Doctor: |
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Social Welfare Office: |
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| Garda Station: |
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Housing Department: |
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| Law Centre/Solicitor: |
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Women’s Refuge/ Support Service: |
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| District Court: |
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Rape Crisis Centre: |
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Step Three:
Collect together the following items. Hide them somewhere
you can get to them in a hurry.
- Enough money to get to a safe place by bus or taxi;
- An extra set of keys for your home;
- An extra set of keys for your car;
- Extra clothes for you and your children.
It may be a good idea to put them in a bag and store it with
a friend.
Step Four:
Think about where you can find the following items in a hurry.
Have a bag ready.
- School uniforms and some of your children’s things;
- Essential medicines;
- The health board and social welfare require personal
identification and evidence to assess your entitlement,
e.g.:
- Any court orders
- Claim’s book
- Marriage certificate
- Bank details
- RSI/PPS card
- Medical card
- Birth certificates
- Pay slips
Step Five:
If you can, discuss your Safety Plan with a trusted friend
so they can support you if you need to put it into action.
Keep your safety plan in a safe place. Ideally, somewhere
you can get it quickly if you need to leave in a hurry.
The above Safety Plan is from the booklet
‘Lean on Me, an information guide for women living with
domestic violence’ and has been reproduced with the
kind permission of Adapt Services, Rosbrien, Limerick
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How
can I help a friend or relative who is experiencing domestic
violence?
It can often be very difficult for a woman
to even recognise she is in an abusive relationship, never
mind disclose it or talk to someone else about it. However,
if you suspect or know a friend, family member, colleague,
neighbour is experiencing domestic violence, the following
may be useful:
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Approach her in an understanding,
non-blaming way. Explain to her that she is not alone
and that there are many women like her in the same situation.
Acknowledge that it takes strength to trust someone enough
to talk to them about experiencing abuse. Give her time
to talk; don’t push her to go into too much detail
if she doesn’t want to.
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Acknowledge that she is in a scary,
difficult situation. Tell her that no-one deserves to
be threatened or beaten, despite what her abuser has told
her. Nothing she can do or say can justify the abuser’s
behaviour.
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Support her as a friend. Be a good
listener. Encourage her to express her hurt and anger.
Allow her to make her own decisions, even if it means
she isn’t ready to leave the relationship. This
is her decision.
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Ask if she has suffered physical harm.
Offer to go with her to the hospital if she needs to go.
Help her to report the assault to the police if she chooses
to do so.
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Be ready to provide information on
the help available to abused women and their children.
Explore the available options with her. Go with her to
visit a solicitor if she is ready to take this step. Help
her find her nearest domestic violence refuge or support
service and support her if she wants to contact them for
support or consider going into a refuge.
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If she has children, talk to her about
their safety. Encourage her to seek support from a domestic
violence service or social worker if she feels the children
are being affected by the situation or are at risk from
abuse.
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Plan safe strategies (see Safety Plan
section above). Let her create the boundaries of what
is safe and what is not safe; don’t encourage her
to follow any strategies that she is expressing doubt
about.
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Offer the use of your address and/or
telephone number for information and messages relating
to her situation.
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Look after yourself while you are supporting
someone through such a difficult and emotional time. Ensure
that you do not put yourself into a dangerous situation;
for example, do not offer to talk to the abuser about
your friend or let yourself be seen by the abuser as a
threat to their relationship.
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